NAPA, CA – A local sommelier was held in custody for identity theft after he blacked out and conveyed that he was not a sommelier at all. “All I wanted was free wine,” he whined between dry-heaves. Owners of the small, family vineyard were convinced that having a sommelier on staff would do wonders for business. “He had a handlebar mustache and an Italian accent, of course I thought he was a real sommelier,” the owner recounts. Among his looks, he also used words like “oaky finish” and “fruit forward” to tout his false qualifications. After the culprit’s 10th glass of wine, his Italian accent went from authentic to a sorry impersonation of the godfather. His fake mustache began to shed into the wine shortly after. “His mustache fell right into my glass when he smelled the wine,” a shocked wine snob managed to say between exasperated breaths. The owners held back the imposter’s manbun while he vomited and called the cops shortly after. “This man is giving a bad name to sommeliers everywhere,” the owners agreed. The Overpriced Wine Society responded to the crises by reminding the public, “just because someone looks like the monopoly man, does not mean they are a sommelier.”