Leeks

Lady Liberty’s Right Arm is Tired

Citizens Allergic To Bees Are Ecstatic That They’re Dying At An Alarming Rate

As World Population Reaches Unsustainable Levels, God Contemplates Next Plague

 

Society Decides The Best Way To Dispose Of Trash Is Litter In One Place And Call It A Landfill

 

McDonald’s Expands Doorframe Dimensions To Accommodate Rise In Obesity

Recent College Graduate Realizes The Only Thing He Can Do With Degree Is Hang It On His Wall

 

Man Drinking Tea Thinks He’s Somehow Better Than Coffee-Drinkers

 

Hipster Avoids Gluten His Whole Life Only To Overdose On Party Drugs

After Deportation Surge, Unharvested Crops Grow So Tall Wall No Longer Necessary

 

Surgeon General Warning: Everything Is Edible Once

 

Girl Pierces Nose To Avoid Congestion During Cold Season

 

PSA: Being A Stoner Does Not Qualify You As Geologist

 

Loose Leaf Tea Mistaken For Weed…Again

Americans Continue To Shit In Drinking Water And Ignore Countries Whose Citizens Are Drinking Shit Water

The

News In Headlines

Student Drinks In One Place For Four Years And Earns Degree

MADISON, WI – Jared Buckley lounged in the quad this past May with a beer in one hand and a diploma in the other as his parents posed around him for pictures. “I’m not sure what’s going on,” Buckley said confused, “I was sitting here drinking, like I’ve been doing for the past four years when bunch of parents came on campus. They all clapped and someone handed me this diploma.” Buckley’s poor class attendance and grades are obviously overshadowed by his impeccable beer pong skills, record-breaking shot gunning ability and his unmatched knack for making girls feel uncomfortable at parties. His membership in Alpha Delta Phi fraternity left him with lifelong friends that had nothing but kind words, “We called him Butt Chug because the kid could butt chug anything,” one of his fraternity brothers bragged. Buckley screamed and protested as he was crammed into a packed car and his posters of naked women were thrown out. Buckley has big plans to sleep his parent’s couch after graduation. 

Hot Yoga Studio Pleads Guilty For Recreating Hell

NORTHVILLE, MI - “Before hot yoga, I had no idea what Hell felt like…now I know it all too well,” hot yoga student Molly Whitmore claimed in court. Whitmore is suing the yoga studio for recreating hell on earth. Along with the extreme heat, Whitmore said she saw a grown man’s balls slip out in his attempt at the “full lotus” pose. “Full lotus pose?” Whitmore questioned, “I thought it was called the lick your own asshole pose.” Yoga instructor, Luna Sunshine, saw the situation differently. “Turning up the heat allows your body and soul to reach their full potential,” she explained to Whitmore. Whitmore countered Sunshine’s comment with an insult about her ugly sports bra. Further investigation reported that Sunshine’s sports bra was just her armpit hair wrapped around her body. “Saggy ball sacks and armpit hair bras in 108-degree heat? If that’s not hell I’m not sure what is,” Whitmore said to the judge in her closing arguments last Friday. The hot yoga studio pled guilty and claimed that the class was created to feel like hell. “It began as a joke and for some reason, people kept coming back,” the yoga studio founder said with a reluctant chuckle.

 

Sommelier Impersonator Uses “Expert” Taste In Wine As Excuse To Get Wasted

NAPA, CA – A local sommelier was held in custody for identity theft after he blacked out and conveyed that he was not a sommelier at all. “All I wanted was free wine,” he whined between dry-heaves. Owners of the small, family vineyard were convinced that having a sommelier on staff would do wonders for business. “He had a handlebar mustache and an Italian accent, of course I thought he was a real sommelier,” the owner recounts. Among his looks, he also used words like “oaky finish” and “fruit forward” to tout his false qualifications. After the culprit’s 10th glass of wine, his Italian accent went from authentic to a sorry impersonation of the godfather. His fake mustache began to shed into the wine shortly after. “His mustache fell right into my glass when he smelled the wine,” a shocked wine snob managed to say between exasperated breaths. The owners held back the imposter’s manbun while he vomited and called the cops shortly after. “This man is giving a bad name to sommeliers everywhere,” the owners agreed. The Overpriced Wine Society responded to the crises by reminding the public, “just because someone looks like the monopoly man, does not mean they are a sommelier.”

5 Tips for International Travel

1. Assimilate to local culture so you are not pinned as the loud American that you are

2. Don’t assimilate to local culture too much at the risk of unintentional cultural appropriation

3. Check a decoy suitcase with useless items so the airline can lose it without any consequences to you

4. To avoid losing your passport, surgically sewing it to your chest is recommended

5. Scout out the local bars and remember: travel is just drinking in a different location

JULIA COLASANTI